On the way home from seeing The Uprising with my mom, she and I were conversing about how positively awful the Dark Ages were. I said to her that I would argue, if ever given the academic opportunity, that the Dark Ages were, no pun intended, one of the darkest points in human history, and while I can’t exactly meet up for coffee with someone from this time, I imagine they would agree.
My mom was commenting on how inventive some of the methods of punishment, torture and death were during this time, at which point I suddenly remembered an incredible woman from history – Olga of Kiev. I asked my mom if she had ever heard of her, to which my mom replied she had not, so I pulled up a brief synopsis of her antics online to tell my mom.
I told my mom to buckle up because she likely was not prepared for what I was about to tell her, and anyone familiar with Olga of Kiev knows exactly what I mean by that.
Check out the following information about this absolute badass from museumhack.com.
“This story takes place in Kievan Rus’, in the 10th century (or the 900s, if you like). Kievan Rus’, for simplicity’s sake, was an area covering what is now Russia, Ukraine, and Belarus. It was a loose tribal federation with some shared, pagan culture, ruled by the Rurik dynasty—named after Olga’s father in law. Some historians think these people descended from Nordic tribes, others think Slavic. And hey, it could be both.
“Princess Olga was born around 900 CE, give or take a decade. Aside from the bit about her being a princess, history doesn’t pay much attention to Olga for the first 45ish years of her life.
“Here’s a quick rundown of Olga’s life, pre-revenge porn: She was pagan, born in Pskov, maybe (a city that still exists, by the way). Then she married Igor I, Prince of Kiev. They had a son. See? Quick rundown.
“Kievan Rus’ was a growing empire in the mid-10th century, but you don’t grow an empire without putting the squeeze on all your neighbors, and you don’t squeeze your neighbors without making them resent you so bad they can’t even sleep at night.
“The Drevlians were a neighboring tribe that had a complicated relationship with Kievan Rus’. They’d done some work together, mostly in military campaigns against the Byzantine Empire, and they’d paid tribute to Kievan Rus’.
“Tribute is, functionally, protection money. You pay it to a more powerful warlord so that they ‘protect’ you, mainly from their own forces, and I guess sometimes from a third party. It was seen as a ‘respect’ thing—granted, not a sincere respect, but the kind you might have for the violent mafia don who’s extorting your business.2
“The Drevlians had paid tribute to Igor’s predecessors, but they quit in 912 after the last prince died. Rather than pay out to Big Kievan Rus’, they started shopping local and paid tribute to a nearby warlord.
“Igor needed to get his tribute back, not just for the furs, but for respect. A prince who loses tribute is a prince who’s lost his perceived legitimacy, and that sort of prince doesn’t last too long. So, in 945, Prince Igor checked his privilege and realized it wasn’t high enough. He decided to pay a visit to the Drevlian capital, Iskorosten (modern-day Northern Ukraine), to reassert his entitlement.
“It turns out that was the wrong move. The Drevlians saw this Kievan Rus’ bastard riding into town to demand tribute after 33 years of not getting it. To Drevlian eyes, that looked like some bullsh*t.
“So, they did what I’d like to call the ‘human hammock’ to Igor. The Drevlians bent two birch trees to the ground, and tied them to each of Igor’s legs. Then, they let the trees go. The trees straightened out, but Igor didn’t—the poor bastard was torn apart.3
“Oh, Shit! Was Olga of Kiev Pissed?
“Yeah, but she didn’t let on to the Drevlians that she was—and don’t ask me why they didn’t assume she would be. Instead, they figured they’d take over Kievan Rus’ in Igor’s place, so they sent 20 of their best and brightest (well, maybe not their brightest) to Olga to convince her to marry the Drevlian Prince Mal, which would give the Drevlians control over Kievan Rus’.4
“Meanwhile, Olga was acting as regent for her son, who was too young to take over just yet, and she had the full might of the Kievan Rus’ at her disposal. And she must have really liked Igor because, well, she put together a four-stage magnum opus of revenge,” the web page states.
Believe me when I tell you that you’re going to want to check back tomorrow to learn about Olga’s revenge plan.
Photo by Ricardo Cruz on Unsplash
