In the context of the most epic badasses in history, I have to say that Olga of Kiev absolutely meets all of the criteria, and then some. I suppose, in a moral sense, I shouldn’t promote or approve of her actions, but at the same time, women throughout Medieval history were deeply oppressed, and I can absolutely support a woman with a plan, even if it is rather violent.
I think she an I would have been great friends.
Olga of Kiev was an absolute master in revenge planning, and if learning about her in yesterday’s post didn’t entirely convince you, I saved the meat and potatoes of her expedition for today’s post. Again, this information comes from museumhack.com.
“Olga of Kiev Plan for Revenge Phase 1: Vivisepulture
“Olga, playing nice, welcomed the 20 Drevlian ambassadors who had been sent to negotiate her next marriage.
“Olga sent messengers to summon the Drevlians to her hall, but the pompous ambassadors demanded that they—along with their boats—be carried to Olga’s court. The Kievan Rus’ response: ‘Sure, no prob!’ They carried the finely robed Drevlians in their boats to Olga’s hall.
“What the Drevlians didn’t know was that, before they arrived, Olga had ordered her men to dig a great trench. Her men carried the boats filled with Drevlian divas over to the trench and dumped them in, boats and all.
“Olga peered into the trench and asked if this ‘honor’ was to the Drevlians’ taste. The Drevlians, who I assume saw the writing on the wall at this point, said that this was worse than Igor’s death by birch tree. Olga rubbed her index finger and thumb together to play the world’s tiniest slavic lute, then ordered her men to bury the Drevlians alive.5
“Oh, by the way: ‘vivisepulture’ is the act of burying someone alive.
“Olga of Kiev Plan for Revenge Phase 2: Immolation
“Olga wasn’t finished. Shockingly, the buried-alive Drevlian ambassadors never sent word back to Prince Mal, but Olga did. She would marry him, but she wanted an escort: Mal would need to send some of his most important people to travel with her to Iskorosten. It would serve as an act of goodwill that would acknowledge the importance of a union with the Kievan Rus’.
“Mal was thirsty to be king, so he obliged and sent a group of Drevlian chieftains to Olga. She rolled out the red carpet and took her guests in, offering them some bathhouse time to clean up after their journey. If you can’t guess what happened next, here’s a hint: the bathhouse doors locked from the outside.
“You gettin’ it? She locked those poor bastards in the bathhouse, then set it on fire, burning all the chieftains alive. It just wouldn’t be a Russian revenge story without any bathhouse murders,6 ” the web page states.
If you think Olga stopped here, you are sorely mistaken. Come back tomorrow for more.
Photo by Henrique Ferreira on Unsplash
