Never been tanning before? Read this

Allow me to stipulate that I do not make frequent use of tanning beds. I don’t make any use of them, actually, however, I have a bit of a dilemma that is requiring me to do so.

I work on our family’s farm year-round, and, in the summer months, I tend to get a tan because I’m working outdoors. The tan itself is wonderful; what isn’t so wonderful, however, is the permanent tan line I have on my back as a result of wearing racerback tank tops while working. We’re talking years upon years of the same tan line, so don’t doubt me when I say that in the summertime, I look like I have a white tank top on whether or not I’m wearing a shirt.

I would have liked to have gone with a spray tan as there isn’t UV light involved, however, after speaking with some folks who are well-versed in the topic of tanning, I was told that a tanning bed will likely be the most effective to remove my tan lines. So, I bit the bullet and made an appointment at a local tanning salon, feeling like a terrible person all the while.

My first time using a tanning bed was certainly interesting. I did not know that the folks at the front desk of the salon set the time for you on the bed you’re using, so I spent a solid few minutes dicking around, desperately trying to figure out how to work the damn thing. I was on my hands and knees on the floor, peering up into this spaceship-looking contraption, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. Once I figured this out I managed to wedge myself into the bed, although upon trying to close the lid, I encountered some difficulty.

Apparently, tanning beds do not close all the way. There is supposed to be a few-inch gap between the top and the bottom once you close the lid, and because I was not aware of this detail, here’s me reefing on the damn lid, only to have it ricochet back open like a fucking bouncy ball.

I also was not aware that you’re supposed to slather yourself with some sort of tanning base prior to getting into the machine to avoid drying out like a saltine cracker. I am very grateful the gal at the front desk informed me otherwise.

Needless to say, tanning beds are a rather complex creation, and I am sincerely hoping my next visit goes a wee bit smoother.

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